Groceries, Jackets, and Groceries
by Taril
Summary: Gintoki and Katsura go shopping. A little while after Episode 24.


**EDIT June 10, 2010:** Fixed and edited stuff. Because FF's editing system and I have a grea deal of mutual hate towards each other.

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_Ding-dong_

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

The doorbell rang.

_Crash!_

"WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU, STUPID HAG? I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY SO GO AWAYYYY!"

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**Thanking readers right before a really crappy story does not do the readers justice**

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Gintoki flopped onto his sofa and scratched his head, "It's just you, Zura. I thought it was the old hag again." Shinpachi sighed and placed tea in front of Katsura, "Not everyone who rings the doorbell is Otose-san. Now we have a hole in the door to fix. Please be considerate next time, Gin-san." Gintoki sighed and opened up the bag Katsura brought. "So why are you here, Zura? If you've come to pester me about becoming a terrorist, the answer is no."

Katsura sipped his tea, "I did not come here to do that. I was being chased by the Shinsengumi, and decided to hide out here for a bit." His friend sweat-dropped, "They'll probably be coming soon then. I just woke up half an hour ago, and so much trouble already."

Steam rose from the mug.

"Do you have that little faith in my skills, Gintoki?"

"Gin-chaaan! We're out of fooooooood! Go buy more!" Kagura stuck her head into the main room. "Oh, Zura's here? Did you bring any food with you? I'm hungry!" Shinpachi said, "That's rude, Kagura-chan! You're supposed to greet your guest politely, not ask for food! And don't eat so much! We don't have money to support appetite of that kind!" Kagura saw the bag Katsura brought and bounded towards it. "What'd you bring, Zura? Hah, crackers! And biscuits!" She bounced onto the seat beside Gintoki and took a large bite out of a cracker. She mumbled through the cracker, spraying crumbs onto the floor, "Mm, Zura, you should live here with us. The food Gin-chan buys is so boring. You always have more interesting things."

A vein throbbed in Gintoki's cheek, "Oi, do I look like I have a lot of money? You're eating us to bankruptcy and you can still say that? I should kick you out right now!" Kagura stuffed the rest of the cracker into her mouth and reached for another, "Sadaharu, you may crush his skull." She stuffed that cracker into her mouth as well, while Gintoki bled. "Gin-chan, go out and buy food. We're out of rice. The only things in the refrigerator right now are your strawberry milk."

Gintoki raised his voice, "Shinpachi! Go out and buy some groceries!"

"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, YOUR MAID? I'M CLEANING, GO YOURSELF!"

Gintoki sighed and reached for a biscuit. "Zura, go out and buy some groceries." Katsura sipped more tea, "It's not Zura, it's Katsura. Why are you telling me to buy your groceries, Gintoki? I don't live here. Be responsible."

"You're the one hiding here, Zura. Go be useful for once, instead of causing trouble for me."

"You're the one causing trouble for me, Gintoki. This is your house. You're not supposed to ask your guests to shop for you. Remember the bushido, Gintoki."

"What does the bushido have to do with getting your friend to shop for you, Zura?"

"Men who follow the bushido know that they are to be responsible. They would never make others do what they're supposed to do themselves."

"Men who follow the bushido would never blackmail their friends."

"Men who follow the bushido would never refuse to fight along with their friends."

"Men who follow the bushido would refuse to be blackmailed into fighting along with their friends."

"Men who follow the bushido would not need to be blackmailed into fighting along with their friends; they would do it by themselves."

"Men who follow-"

Shinpachi stormed into the living room. "WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP AND GO SHOPPING? BOTH OF YOU!"

Gintoki picked his nose as he and Katsura walked away from the Yorozuya. "That Shinpachi… He must've eaten his sister's cooking this morning… Anyways, why do I have to go shopping with you, Zura? More importantly, you look really absurd in that pirate costume."

"It's not Zura, it's _Captain_ Katsura!"

People on the street were staring at them, as it wasn't everyday that you see a long-haired pirate walking in the streets with a guy with a silver natural perm. Let's just say that they made an extremely curious sight.

A girl in a maid's uniform jumped out in front of them. "Hi there! If you look to your right, gentlemen, you'll see that we have a megas-huge sale going on right now! Let me guide you to the clearance section nyoro!" She guided them into a clothing store. In reality, she was pushing them. The young salesgirl grinned, revealing a fang. "Here we are, gentlemen! The clearance section nyoro!" She shoved a pile of clothes aside, revealing two leather jackets. "Now, the boss wants to clear those two items out as soon as he can, so they're marked at a megas-low price!" She pointed to the back of a jacket. "See, this jacket has 'samurai' written on it. It's horribly unfashionable, but seeing how weirdly you two are dressed, it'll probably be megas-normal if you guys wore it!" She dumped the jackets in Gintoki and Katsura's arms. And here, we have some matching leather pants, nyoro!" (1)

Gintoki and Katsura were shoved mercilessly into changing rooms.

"Zura…"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!"

Gintoki stared at the man beside him. "You look disgusting."

Katsura's face was impassive. "You look revolting."

A child pointed at them, "Look, mommy, gangsters!" He was immediately shushed and pulled along by his mother. Gintoki stuck his pinky into his ear. "Zura, a kid called you a gangster." Katsura crossed his arms. "What are you talking about, Gintoki? That child was pointing at you. Your face says it all. You were born a monster."

"You're mistaken. That kid was talking about you. Look at you, your face has terrorist written all over it."

"You have rent-evasion stamped all over you. Give those suffering landladies your overdue rent."

"Most of those landladies thought you were a girl when they first saw you."

"Those landladies rented to you because they pitied your hair."

"What are you talking about? They were all drooling over me."

"That's because I was standing beside you, Gintoki. They weren't looking at you."

"You weren't the one renting, so I have no idea why you even bothered to be there."

"I didn't want you to do something idiotic and make me bail you out again."

"Having a wanted terrorist stand beside you while you rent apartments is more likely to do the opposite."

"None of those landladies knew who I was."

"That's because they were too busy looking at my handsome mug."

"I tell you, Gintoki, they were pitying your hair."

They had walked past the market.

Gintoki sighed and ran his hand through his unruly hair. "Jeez, why didn't you tell me we went past the market, Zura?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura! I thought you would notice. Apparently you did not. Gintoki, try to be more aware."

"See, this is why I don't like shopping with you."

"If you shopped alone, you would've just bought all sweets anyways. You need someone to supervise you to make sure you buy what you're supposed to buy."

"What are you, my mother? Stop nagging me, jeez…"

Katsura stared ahead. "That's because you have no one to nag you, Gintoki. Everyone needs to be nagged. Gintoki glanced at him with those dead-fish eyes. "And who nags you? That duck monster?"

"It's not duck monster, it's Elizabeth! No, she does not nag."

"Speaking of the duck thing… where is it? Isn't it always following you? It looks more like stalking though."

Katsura glared at Gintoki. "It's not duck thing, it's Elizabeth! She's in jail for vandalism under the influence of alcohol. I'll have to go bail her out later." Gintoki stared suspiciously at him. "Zura, where do you get the money to bail people, uh, things, out of jail, and still be able to buy bombs to destroy government building?"

"Unlike you, Gintoki, the Joui are hardworking people. We don't-"

"DIE, KATSURAAAAAAAA!"

A smoking hole appeared where Gintoki and Katsura stood a moment ago.

Katsura scrambled up, "Shinsengumi? I'll see you later, Gintoki!"

Hijikata ran into the clearing smoke. "Damn, he got away again!" He fell beside Gintoki as a missile found its way to the ground beside him. "Shit, Sougo! Stop trying to kill me!" Okita Sougo walked up. "That was dangerous, Hijikata-san. Ah, Hijikata-san? You're sitting on the ground. Are you tired? You should quickly retire, or you'll lose your focus and get into an accident." A vein visibly throbbed on his superior's temple. "The fuck! YOU should be more careful! Who the hell tries to kill their superior every single day?" Sougo shifted his rocket launcher innocently. "What are you talking about, Hijikata-san? Are you hallucinating? Do you want me to operate on your eyes? I've always wanted to become a doctor."

Hijikata stabbed his finger at the Captain. "Hell no! And I thought your dream was to be a sniper!"

The Captain shaded his eyes from the sun. "Ah… Katsura got away again… You're so incompetent, Hijikata-san…"

"You're the one that's incompetent! You can't even hit a slow moving target as obvious as that bastard!"

Gintoki scratched his head, watching the two Shinsengumi walk away. "They completely ignored me…"

He stood up and dusted himself off. "Jeez… Making me buy groceries by myself… with my own money… he owes me one…"

Shinpachi and Kagura looked up as the door slid open and shut.

"Ah, Gin-san, you're back. What took you so long? And what's with that jacket…? Eh? Where's Katsura-san?"

Kagura took one look at Gintoki and made a face. "Gin-chan, are you going through the garbage now?"

Gintoki walked past them. "I need some strawberry milk…"

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**References:**  
(1) The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi: the character Tsuruya-san.


End file.
